Is DEPTH not LENGTH

So my post for today isnt about measurements in a direct way but indirectly. Yup...Not really talking bout it but then its using the concepts.

• Length : a distance from an end to the other end

• Depth : a dimension taken through an object or body of material,usually downward from an upper surface, horizontally inwardfrom an outer surface, or from top to bottom of somethingregarded as one of several layers.

Thats a brief description about the length and depth. So we know that the usage of these two words is for measurement purpose. And it could be related to our life as well. On these days, our life is full of trials and unexpected problems. Besides our own private matters, there are global warming, cancer patient, AIDS, social problems, financial crisis and etc etc... Each and everyday of it is a learning process. And by learning it we gain the good and the bad effects. 

The length of life are usually measured by HOW much time or HOW long will we live in this world? People will be asking the duration of time we can spend on the Earth. And many assumed that by having a lots of time we could finished the things we make in our plan. We are able to make everything possible by the length of time. However, reality showed us that its not. We tend to waste our time when we have it. Although we knew time is precious like gold and yet we didnt cherish it. We just think we still have tmr, tmr and tmrrrrrr........ Don't forget its not us who can make the decision. Just like Japan earthquake that happened recently. We predict we make preventions but then in the end the outcome wont always comes our way. Its all in God's hand. For He created us to this world and gave lives to us. He already planned for us but he gaves us choices in every decisions we make.Thats fair enough.

So how about depth? The depth of life is HOW meaningful we make use of our life with the time that we had in every moments. Its quite abstract because it doesnt measure time like what length did. Its not about the duration or the period we have. Its what lies inside on the time we have. Every seconds in our life could be make used by spending it on the right things. The simple example we could see here by using a well. The water of the well is depends on how deep we dig the well. The more we dig the more we get. Just like our life. The more we explore it the more we get. Even if we have only one day, but spending it with quality could lead us learn different kind of things. Things that we may not see when we have a lot of time. Things that we wont get to know when we have a lot of time. 

For all the moments we had in life, we didnt take more steps to cherish the time we had. And after the time has past, we tend to think about it. Some may even regret about it. Thats why living in this world shouldnt be all about ourself. The word OUR means for me the selfish me. I strongly recommend that we live our life for YOU. You may refered to your relative, friends, enemies, strangers or an orphan. Sharing out the moments that God gave us to others, to ones you love. Because what happens tomorrow is not in our hand. At least, others could have a bit of the enjoyment we gave. Not much but its enough. Don't ever think what you did doesnt mean anything to others coz its too small. You'll never know how much it means.

So our life measurement is not about the length but its the depth that counts....The deeper you go, the more you gain.

The only Exam Paper

Tmr is going to be my only exam paper for my Master studies coz after this it would only be thesis. So exam means read and memorize for the sake of squeezing it out to score. I think mostly of us agree with that. 

By squeezing all the knowledge we studies for the whole semeester on one day is reli stress up. But this paper i still think is ok. So, not that stress but then must keep ourself in a stress situation so that we struggle the best for it. 

Many disagree exam but some may want to have exam so that we can evaluate how is our understanding on that field. Frankly, if its not exam we don't exam remember that certain things was taught by the lecturer inside class. So from another point of view we should be thankful too.

Finish exam will be continuing the essays and assignments i have so it would just be the same for me in April. Everything was fine now. There are some hiccups here and there but then I still feel ok about it. I'm happy so after this I needed to think how to pleased others as well. People I neglected or forget when i'm busy like my family. 

I really never forget God and be faithful to Him. But there are times i neglected it, may need to work on it. Praying is the best solution to connect with God. 

"As human we should know what we wanted no matter we could achieved it or not. The dream is what that makes us work and struggle for a better life. Dream may not come true, but if we do not dreamed there is not even a dream. So dare to have a dream of your own. "

April is not a Fool

Bye bye March...Its April..For uni students this means holiday is coming BUT before enjoy the greatness of holiday there are exam and final assignments. So, the brain must be function and squeeze to the limit so that before holiday our commitment to studies is done! Its really like a speed up car for me on this month. My list of things to do on this month :

1. Finish up all my final assignments ( individual - 5 short essay and 2 long essay / group - 2 long essay )
2. Exam ( 1 paper onli on 13 April but its not easy )
3. Follow up for trip to Korea ( sponsorships, document, planning )
4. Analyse data for my RA ( 4 chapter more - will cause a lot of head damage )
5. Trip planning for both of us ( with no worries and jus fun - anywhere )
6. PTPTN exception payment documentation
7. Church on every Sunday and youth group gathering discussion ( daily food for my holy spirit growth )
8. Back home , friends date and picnicking with coursemates

So there are 8 of it. Within one month, need to commit on it. Looking on it, really a lot but then each and every of it is my choice. On studies I've wanted to be success, on RA work i wanna earn money, on church thats my priority to God, on the trip is my way to gain experience and fun and meeting with friends and family is a way to show them my care. Its really part and parcel of the life where you need to commit and pay attention to. 

So when looking at all of these, Aprils is really not a fool but a fruitful month. If we were to see all these in a different ways, then It surely will goes better. 

Thank you to everyone

Thank you. Thats what I wanna say. Knowing the life would be this short thats all I can said. Because what i wish to do maybe a dream by the time i wake up tmr. Everything may change. 

The news about disaster that happened around the world makes me worries. But i'm not afraid, i'm just nervous because there is a lot more i need to do. There is still a lot things I havent tell the people i love.

After Japan, today is Myanmar. Although the damage is not as bad compare to Japan, but it still so near to us. People say when death is so near, we tend do be kind in our life. Because we are wondering where to go. But and yet as we still living, our focus need to be at the moment. You have planning, but how far could the things u planned works? We dunno... Its jus a preparation in life. Future is still on God's hand.

Thanks to everyone that God put in my life. All of you make the one i am now.

Promise that will never fade

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - excerpts from [1 Corinthians 13:4-13 ]. "

A promise that God gave us. He love us so much and care for us so much that there are times I've been wondering what things that have in me till He love me tat deep. The answer would be continue serving Him in everything I can. Oh Lord, thank you cox you are always there when I'm struggling. You gave me feelings that no one in this world could give me. Even when I'm lost or wander far away from you, but You are still there standing by my side. Even for the past few months there are many things coming towards me but whenever I seek you I found peace. 

Even my decision now is not as stable it could be but oh Lord I pray for your blessings and pulling me through it. Because no matter what happen I'll put God in my first position so that the things i'm doing is with your blessings. And God blessings is the greatest things even its not what I wanted. Even if I failed it, I knew that God still showering me with another tasks in my life. Make me strong God to go through everything. Make me strong to serve you Lord. Love never fails when it comes to God.

And now my love is all a new experience. A sweet one. A wonderful one. I never fails to shower people with love because i'm lucky enough to have God loving me. 

The situation of love i've now is good and yet bad. Deeply falling in love makes us human tend to neglect things around us. Like friends, work, studies or family. But I've got it better...With the love I had, i'm able to go through difficulties because there is you who talk to me. Even the problems cant be solved but talking about it makes me feel a lot more comfortable. The trust that you put on me makes me feel that i'm so lucky to have you.

Upon all these, there are still a lot for us to go through. I dunno how it may goes, but then I wish to grab it so that we'll work hard for it. Maybe in the end its just You & Me as friends. But we surely will know how this friends had help us go through bad times and good times. Its risky its challenging and its unpredictable but we chosed to walk this path together. Whenever the boat is going to sink, I'm surely we'll work together and save it. After all the commitments and its still going to sink in the deep blue sea then we should'nt be regret. Never ever regret with You and Me. 

Why??? Because you LOVED me before and so do I. You take care of me as you can. You trust in me. You share every moments with me. You TALKED with me. You work hard for me. You planned for us. You don't force me. You understand me. You never think of letting me go. You are such the adorable guy that I knew. For all those relationship I had, you will be the one that touch my heart the most. 

With the major obstabcles that come between us I'll pray for it. For the mighty God knew whats best for us. The promise won't just end when there are problems occured but also when everything goes well. Thats the promise He gave us.

Love as you can because loving someone gave us passion to strike a better goal in our life. No matter family, friends or lover its still love that makes us move forward....

Where have you been?

Where have you been??? I'm so not right without you. All my things doesn't seem going in the right path. Dear passion of study, i beg you to please come back to me. 

Today is my presentation, and the journal i got it a month ago. But i still cant finish reading it till last night. The way i'm handling my study is such a mess. I didnt even go to the presentation today coz i cant finish it, by the time i'm done the lecturer adi ask me present next week. All the study time i've in uni, this is the WORST. I hate myself. I never do this last last last minute work before. Now I don't even know why all this happen. 

Izit because i play too much? But I dun think is tat much. I just have so many work to do and its non stop till I cant hardly breathe sometime. So i take some of my working time for playing but then it become like this. I'm so not happy. Maybe I should lock myself up. I want all other things beside HOMEWORKS and READING JOURNALS!!!!!  

I walked around UKM under the hot sun and still feel down about myself. How can i did that to myself. Another semester more, how can i reach the target and graduated if my condition now is like this? I'm way too far from anything. I just don't deserve anything if I continue to be like this. Not anymore...dun ever think anymore...........

Life is so struggling that I cant accept it anymore. Never regret is just a saying and it wont works if I didnt work for it. Loser loser loser................Such a loser

Forbidden One

Dear Forbidden One, i’m sorry to meet you in this situation. But i’m thankful that you are here by my side. Accompanying me although I knew you do worried about it. Saying not worried is just a way to make your partner less worried. There are lots of things we need to sort out and find solutions.

Question marks just on top of our head because there are many things we cant answer. I can’t get him out of my life and that would be a lie if I said so. Having the relationship for 4 years is like so unpredictable for me. People around me say i can’t make it and there is some who said I should grow up and don’t be so childish in handling relationship. But, I also not sure why izit wrong to follow what your heart wanted so much. Maybe as a whole or to from other people point of view it should be as what they wanted.

This end not fully because of you. Its just me who don’t dare to think about the steps i’m going to take after I knew the problems. I’m such a super thinker, everything can comes into my mind, easily absorb and become my problems. That’s what makes me pondering and daydreaming most of the time. So, it makes me a person who thinks so much that i analyze the positive and the negative part of the situation. So, indirectly your appearance makes me take a step further. To go for things I wished, I dreamed and I hope to get. Your support does give credits.

Your ques:‘Would you be with me till the end?”. Well, I’d loved too but its all God’s plan. If God bless us with it my answer is a YES. My intention of getting a relationship is always to be forever and not fast food style. But, what we wanted is not always what we’ll get. But we can always have hope for it. And won’t regret how it ends.

I maybe tough like all who see me but i’m not in love. Because love connects with feelings and i’m an easily touch person. Anythings who deals with feelings makes me go crazy. My past is not good, but everyone have past. I have many flaws. I should know how to drive by now but I just haven’t get my license. Working on it and will get soonnnn… I loved to cook but i’m not good at it, i’m lazy when i was young when my mom wanted to teach me. I wish to learn and hope someone could teach me,or learn it together. A girl who doesn’t know how to cook is not marketable. Hahahaha~~~ Cooking is enjoying actually but not the way my mom teach me. She is too easy get angry. I wanted to have a simple life sometimes and sometimes an excitement to make my life colorful. It will be complete when charity is always in my list, no matter environmental issues or social problems. Helping others was the best part.

You won’t be a mistake in my life although its forbidden. That is so great of me that God put you in the people I knew. Your smile makes my day. Your worries makes me felt i wanna help you. Your talkative mouth makes my brain non-stop processing. Your tiredness makes me wanna cheer you up. Your poke makes me pain. And the whole of you makes you become fantabulous! If I could tell all of my worries with you and no lies on the coming days…If I could share all of my life with you….If I could be a part in your life and If I could be with you till forever with blessings of God, then it’s a perfect forbidden love.

NERVOUS MOOD

Its going to be weekend. I’m nervous and scared.

Nervous because I already make a decision to leave him. I felt sorry to him but love can’t be measure like math, if we give one doesn’t mean we’ll get back one and vice versa. Its really hard and that makes us human just can’t predict what is going to happen in our relationships. Sometime we tend to hold it so tight that both of us couldn’t breathe, sometimes we tend to loosen up till we left each other, sometimes no matter how hard we tried it just won’t work and sometimes there are cases which we didn’t do much but the relation is better. It is so unpredictable.

I’m scared too. I’m quite wondering how to face all which is coming upon the decision i made. It will hurts to you and to me but I’m sure is a good decision because continuing just makes the wound hurts more. Some people said when you gave all of your heart to someone then everything will be fine, but the reality tell us this is all lies. Lies that we wouldn’t listen because we wish that it won’t happen. To ensure it won’t happened we work hard on it to makes everything perfect, suitable for our partners and sacrifice for them. But does this meet the requirements that what our partner need? Everyone thinks differently. The worst is, the things you did isn’t what he/she wanted. You felt disappointed because your hard work won’t be appreciate by someone u loved. In this point, no one is wrong and that’s why we called it love. I don’t know how to said it out although my heart had a strong feeling telling me “ Yes u need to tell no matter what”. Question on my mind :

1. When is the best timing i should tell?
2. Where should i tell?
3. How i should tell?

Its easy to write up the questions but to answered it, looks harder than any exam cause its dealing with a partner that you loved before. It’s already past. I’ve tried to repair it and be honest about it, and yet I don’t feel it anymore. I’m sorry but I have to leave. I knew you sacrifice and give out whatever you could but its not going to work. We knew how different we are and yet we try to go through it. But, God may want us to have a different path in our life. After this, I won’t be the one who remind you about your things, won’t be there to fight or won’t be there to accompany you. BUT i always loved you as a friends that I won’t forget because God put us together and run this youth group together. I still love you as a friends who willing to help when u needed it. Maybe i’m too naïve but I knew you could continue to serve God like you always do. Prayed that God will pull you through it.

For myself, its not easy. I didn’t wanted things to goes this way but the fact is everything is going the opposite ways. So its better I face it rather than lied to myself, him, God and Mr. A. I need to go for it even its hard and needs a lot of courage.

CNY shopping 2011

Such a brilliant day I spend with my ex roomie~~~ So we went to Times Square for our CNY shopping. We go early in the morning till the shop close. We bought many thiings of course!

Dress,shorts,jeans, shirts,shoes and bags~~~ Wee.... And we shop till drop! Counting the money that flow out like water is so so scary. Mun Lee even use notes inside her I Phone and jote down the items we bought and the price for it. So by looking to the list, we hope tat it will remind us not to exceed certain amount of money. However....girls just cant resist! 

We try a few clothes and we bought a couple shirt for ourself again on year 2011! Will wear it again when we meet in UKM.

There are clothes that I loved it but and yet didnt buy it! Fuh~~~ Its reli hard when need to make decision for clothes. And at last we just forget about it! Easier....And better choices. So bye bye clothes~~~ Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

Dunno how to go through this year actually. So many things coming to me. Some is what I loved and some is what I worried and some is what I confused. But come one is CNY...So I'll just enjoy with my family. Long time we never have time with each other. I miss it just miss it so much. Just cant grab the past moments but I can do as much as I could for the coming days. Family is so unique because no matter how things goes we are related. Precious relationship that God gave us. Thanks God for reminding me again on this relationship that I had. Ba ba Ma Ma Wo Ai Ni~~~~

                                                                                                 

I dont deserve it

No one asked so no one knows. I chosed no one. Coz i know i don't deserve it. So now I am all alone. This will make people not tat confusing and to myself a better. I'm sad...Really sad... I don't know how this feelings came to me. Like water flows. From morning till now, tears keep just dropping from my eyes without i even notice it. It feels like my heart is been stabbed. 
U asked me and I didnt answer it because i'm uncertain of what is going to happened in the future. How if u get someone who is better? When time past what would happen if the love u have for me will just evolve??? Many questions in my mind. I'm scared. The truth is I feel happier with Mr. A and i'm sure. For Mr. C i felt responsibilities.  
However I just dont deserve anyone, so I'll be all alone.

Tonight is not my night

Oh shit!!! If can i would just use all those swear words out. Tonight is really not my night. Before the night arrives everything goes jus good. 

I just dunno why I am so stupid...How can I left my notebook inside the Kem bag??? And 2 file. Now all my notes is gone if Jasmin cant find it in her room tmr. All the notes for AW subject just disappear because of my stupid brain. So the book I cant find it means I cant do my work that need to be discuss with my partner in discussion tmr. It need to pass up on Wednesday. I know a way to figure it out actually, but right now i'm just so angry with myself. It makes me no mood for the whole night.

And then I havent get answer about the mobility that I wanted to do. I havent touch the 2nd phase of my RA work tat need to be mail to my lecturer by end of this month. Now adi 25Jan and i just left 5days. 

CNY is next week, I havent got time to buy clothes. Last minute shopping only is the choice I have. Besides that, I havent figure out the CNY party for church for the kids. I promise and I just havent done it.

Must tell myself to work harder. And now I got an sms saying to meet 12.30am...So I guess it would be a fire drill...........Maybe tat means I cant rest early tonight. It just make my night worst. Hope my mood will be better. 

Choosing the now or thinking about the future???

The current situation was great. Enjoying being loved is always good. But we can't be that selfish and not think about others. Loving others was what God taught us to do as well. If the feeling now is great then should I choose now? But then how about the future?

Can't imagine it. But does it works on long term? I knew it can't be answer now coz we are not God. We can have predictions, but how true is the predictions no one knows. 

It goes smoothly now cause we are in the same path. But how it happens when our path is differen after a year? Can we still be friends sharing the same interest together? Now or future? No one can promise...And even we promised we may break it. 

Before You Appear In My Life

Once upon a time, there live Miss B. She knew Mr C for a long time. They spend time together and know each other well. Mr. C take a step further and want to get Miss B as his girlfriend. But in Miss B life, unexpectedly Mr. A appear. Started with a friend that always makes jokes around Miss B, Mr. A become closer with her. They chat, they laugh, they jokes, they tease, and they sms. When time pass by, day and day they spend more time together. Movies and food hunting was their happiest part. Keeping all those worries aside, they manage to find the right time and right person to be with. One month had passed. And they are still naïve. Miss B and Mr. A have feelings for each other although they realize this relationship is not gonna work. Because of the enjoyment that they felt for each other, it makes them wanted to grab it so much. No matter how the mind say “NO”!. Miss B tried to be as neutral she can so that she can get the answer to chosed which Mr in her life. It was hard… It was time consuming… It was tired… Miss B only wants to be happy. But by 2 person in front of her that care for her so much, she cant even know what to do. Mr. A gave Miss B a feelings that she is not worth to get someone like that. His future is much more to go, and he had more choices out there to select. Whenever Mr. A told Miss B about his feelings, Miss B didn’t respond like she wanted to be. Responding was a way to make things goes bad. Feelings was a huge enemy to Miss B. She can’t choose so she is bad. So, what does Mr. A and Mr. C wants to let her know? She is so not sure. Mr. A was young and flirty…Everyone loves him around. So there are more choices for him. I think too much. Maybe Miss B is just another friend to him. A good friend. But how can Miss B denied all these after what he saw with her own eyes and listen by her own ears. Those words that Mr A said isn’t it real? Mr C is there for me also to support me when I needed. 

My situation is not a choice which i can do by flipping a coin. Either they need to tell me how they feel or tell me what should I do? I’m lost sometimes…Lost track of what is right. I’m not blind or deaf, so i can see the effort that they make. Boo your ownself~~~~This is the true me. The bad me...Thats what happen after u appear in my life. I understand if ppl wanna scold me for being this bad. Yes I am...And i dislike myself too in this matter.

Status : Complicated

It is complicated in life. No matter what the things are. So what should I do??? I'm writing this in a headache mood in the midnight. Actually it keeps turning around my mind since the night started. It keeps haunting my mind with the Wh- ques...Too many...Only wondering and no answers. Keep asking ques which I don't even know the answer. How stupid is this. Stupid than a pig i guess...Oink oink~~

There are always more than 1 choices, everyone have more than one....And the more than one is the hard choice to make because you cant really chosed. Either you gave up or they gave up. And for me, it would be best if they gave up then I dun need to make a choice about it. By keeping it inside is terrible sometimes. It just accumulated more and more....You tot u can take it. And it add on more and more till a limit u started to felt its wrong. You're going to burst and yet you need to hold on it. Why isnt life just as easy by serving God? Serving God is tough but there is always an easier motive to strive for it. Dealing with human is hard...But thats another miracle that God bring to us in this world. 

Maybe is just me who think a lot and too much. I've mistaken about what is going on my life now. Its a happy chapter and yet its a confused one. So it will be so complicated that I need some time to figure it out about the choices that comes to me. Its so abstract.... I cant grab it....So i'll just let it be.

To do list

So is the 2^nd week of my semester as a Master students. Time flies so fast that we are the one who is always chasing it. But how much does the chasing worth it? Its really hard to justified it. January 2011 isn’t that lovely anymore. The to do list was long enough to suffocates me:

1. 1.      Dinner + HELA + HAKERA  meeting every night
2. 2.      Felo preparation discussion for 1Malaysia Camp
3. 3.      1 Malaysia Camp 21 - 23 Jan at PD
4. 4.      Research workshop to check my mistakes…( i hate tis )
5. 5.      Readings of journals ( all subject tat makes me @@ )
6. 6.      People issues
7. 7.      CNY shopping ( dun think i hav time to make it unless last minute shopping )
8. 8.      Sunday school planning for church
9. 9.      Cousins wedding

Ths list was mind consuming…It takes my brain’s space. And now trying hard to read 4 chapter of Syntax theory before next week class. Concentration lose easily…Should recharge it back so that I don’t only dreamed but make it a reality things. We felt disappointed everytime when we lost focus on studies due to the busy schedule. But do you realize we got something while we miss out that time? The friends that around us, problems that solved, interactions with a stranger till u become close and learning to become more mature or teaching others to become one. So its very right when ppl say ‘When you lose something, you actually got something’. But that doesn’t mean we should continue neglect our studies with this excuse. Remember the goal we put when we enter uni, the hopes of our parents and the future that is in our own hand. You can do it…Just don’t tell yourself ‘I cant or I’m tired.’ And to myself….I’ve been through it so I shouldn’t gave myself more excuses to say I cant do it. Gambatte…..To me and to u out there…..

Just the way you are - Bruno mars

Credit to Bruno Mars. He just makes my heart melt on this period. Such nice music and lyrics he have in this album. Especially 'Just the way you are'. It seems like a fantasy for most of the girls or guys that we could get someone that love us just the way we are. They are many who said it but how many people who really did that was just hard to find. 
If perfect is what you're searching for, then just stay the same....Sometimes perfectionist got problems when it deals with relationship. But to being beautiful or striving for the best is what your partner really can support and accept was a blessings. I may not say is easy because people have differen dreams in their life. It was great when supports is always there although we does not participate in it. Sharing is caring like all of us is saying. And the most touching part is the chorus of this songs......How wonderful to create a songs like this. Amazing~~~
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Confused

I'm confused. Yes the feelings is confusing. I felt is so happy that it can bring me to the top of a mountain. But when I dont feel happy it makes my mind so confused with many Q&A that came across my mind. 


Bad girl makes a bad decision maybe. Should I just don't bother too much and just be happy. Will it bring a bad consequences to others? Kinda confused and confused. The unhappy part was the most part that I shud get rid off. Telling myself there are many beautiful things out there and I knew it is.  


Oh god...Guide me and give me wisdom in handling everything. Feelings shouldnt take over all of me. I shud know how to handle it. And I shud be able to handle it. However its all over me. 


Trying to find answers and when u got the answers u are confused.Need someone to help me get through it. Laugh at myself for that. Hope my confused mind wont be too long.