I dont deserve it

No one asked so no one knows. I chosed no one. Coz i know i don't deserve it. So now I am all alone. This will make people not tat confusing and to myself a better. I'm sad...Really sad... I don't know how this feelings came to me. Like water flows. From morning till now, tears keep just dropping from my eyes without i even notice it. It feels like my heart is been stabbed. 
U asked me and I didnt answer it because i'm uncertain of what is going to happened in the future. How if u get someone who is better? When time past what would happen if the love u have for me will just evolve??? Many questions in my mind. I'm scared. The truth is I feel happier with Mr. A and i'm sure. For Mr. C i felt responsibilities.  
However I just dont deserve anyone, so I'll be all alone.

Tonight is not my night

Oh shit!!! If can i would just use all those swear words out. Tonight is really not my night. Before the night arrives everything goes jus good. 

I just dunno why I am so stupid...How can I left my notebook inside the Kem bag??? And 2 file. Now all my notes is gone if Jasmin cant find it in her room tmr. All the notes for AW subject just disappear because of my stupid brain. So the book I cant find it means I cant do my work that need to be discuss with my partner in discussion tmr. It need to pass up on Wednesday. I know a way to figure it out actually, but right now i'm just so angry with myself. It makes me no mood for the whole night.

And then I havent get answer about the mobility that I wanted to do. I havent touch the 2nd phase of my RA work tat need to be mail to my lecturer by end of this month. Now adi 25Jan and i just left 5days. 

CNY is next week, I havent got time to buy clothes. Last minute shopping only is the choice I have. Besides that, I havent figure out the CNY party for church for the kids. I promise and I just havent done it.

Must tell myself to work harder. And now I got an sms saying to meet 12.30am...So I guess it would be a fire drill...........Maybe tat means I cant rest early tonight. It just make my night worst. Hope my mood will be better. 

Choosing the now or thinking about the future???

The current situation was great. Enjoying being loved is always good. But we can't be that selfish and not think about others. Loving others was what God taught us to do as well. If the feeling now is great then should I choose now? But then how about the future?

Can't imagine it. But does it works on long term? I knew it can't be answer now coz we are not God. We can have predictions, but how true is the predictions no one knows. 

It goes smoothly now cause we are in the same path. But how it happens when our path is differen after a year? Can we still be friends sharing the same interest together? Now or future? No one can promise...And even we promised we may break it. 

Before You Appear In My Life

Once upon a time, there live Miss B. She knew Mr C for a long time. They spend time together and know each other well. Mr. C take a step further and want to get Miss B as his girlfriend. But in Miss B life, unexpectedly Mr. A appear. Started with a friend that always makes jokes around Miss B, Mr. A become closer with her. They chat, they laugh, they jokes, they tease, and they sms. When time pass by, day and day they spend more time together. Movies and food hunting was their happiest part. Keeping all those worries aside, they manage to find the right time and right person to be with. One month had passed. And they are still naïve. Miss B and Mr. A have feelings for each other although they realize this relationship is not gonna work. Because of the enjoyment that they felt for each other, it makes them wanted to grab it so much. No matter how the mind say “NO”!. Miss B tried to be as neutral she can so that she can get the answer to chosed which Mr in her life. It was hard… It was time consuming… It was tired… Miss B only wants to be happy. But by 2 person in front of her that care for her so much, she cant even know what to do. Mr. A gave Miss B a feelings that she is not worth to get someone like that. His future is much more to go, and he had more choices out there to select. Whenever Mr. A told Miss B about his feelings, Miss B didn’t respond like she wanted to be. Responding was a way to make things goes bad. Feelings was a huge enemy to Miss B. She can’t choose so she is bad. So, what does Mr. A and Mr. C wants to let her know? She is so not sure. Mr. A was young and flirty…Everyone loves him around. So there are more choices for him. I think too much. Maybe Miss B is just another friend to him. A good friend. But how can Miss B denied all these after what he saw with her own eyes and listen by her own ears. Those words that Mr A said isn’t it real? Mr C is there for me also to support me when I needed. 

My situation is not a choice which i can do by flipping a coin. Either they need to tell me how they feel or tell me what should I do? I’m lost sometimes…Lost track of what is right. I’m not blind or deaf, so i can see the effort that they make. Boo your ownself~~~~This is the true me. The bad me...Thats what happen after u appear in my life. I understand if ppl wanna scold me for being this bad. Yes I am...And i dislike myself too in this matter.

Status : Complicated

It is complicated in life. No matter what the things are. So what should I do??? I'm writing this in a headache mood in the midnight. Actually it keeps turning around my mind since the night started. It keeps haunting my mind with the Wh- ques...Too many...Only wondering and no answers. Keep asking ques which I don't even know the answer. How stupid is this. Stupid than a pig i guess...Oink oink~~

There are always more than 1 choices, everyone have more than one....And the more than one is the hard choice to make because you cant really chosed. Either you gave up or they gave up. And for me, it would be best if they gave up then I dun need to make a choice about it. By keeping it inside is terrible sometimes. It just accumulated more and more....You tot u can take it. And it add on more and more till a limit u started to felt its wrong. You're going to burst and yet you need to hold on it. Why isnt life just as easy by serving God? Serving God is tough but there is always an easier motive to strive for it. Dealing with human is hard...But thats another miracle that God bring to us in this world. 

Maybe is just me who think a lot and too much. I've mistaken about what is going on my life now. Its a happy chapter and yet its a confused one. So it will be so complicated that I need some time to figure it out about the choices that comes to me. Its so abstract.... I cant grab it....So i'll just let it be.

To do list

So is the 2^nd week of my semester as a Master students. Time flies so fast that we are the one who is always chasing it. But how much does the chasing worth it? Its really hard to justified it. January 2011 isn’t that lovely anymore. The to do list was long enough to suffocates me:

1. 1.      Dinner + HELA + HAKERA  meeting every night
2. 2.      Felo preparation discussion for 1Malaysia Camp
3. 3.      1 Malaysia Camp 21 - 23 Jan at PD
4. 4.      Research workshop to check my mistakes…( i hate tis )
5. 5.      Readings of journals ( all subject tat makes me @@ )
6. 6.      People issues
7. 7.      CNY shopping ( dun think i hav time to make it unless last minute shopping )
8. 8.      Sunday school planning for church
9. 9.      Cousins wedding

Ths list was mind consuming…It takes my brain’s space. And now trying hard to read 4 chapter of Syntax theory before next week class. Concentration lose easily…Should recharge it back so that I don’t only dreamed but make it a reality things. We felt disappointed everytime when we lost focus on studies due to the busy schedule. But do you realize we got something while we miss out that time? The friends that around us, problems that solved, interactions with a stranger till u become close and learning to become more mature or teaching others to become one. So its very right when ppl say ‘When you lose something, you actually got something’. But that doesn’t mean we should continue neglect our studies with this excuse. Remember the goal we put when we enter uni, the hopes of our parents and the future that is in our own hand. You can do it…Just don’t tell yourself ‘I cant or I’m tired.’ And to myself….I’ve been through it so I shouldn’t gave myself more excuses to say I cant do it. Gambatte…..To me and to u out there…..

Just the way you are - Bruno mars

Credit to Bruno Mars. He just makes my heart melt on this period. Such nice music and lyrics he have in this album. Especially 'Just the way you are'. It seems like a fantasy for most of the girls or guys that we could get someone that love us just the way we are. They are many who said it but how many people who really did that was just hard to find. 
If perfect is what you're searching for, then just stay the same....Sometimes perfectionist got problems when it deals with relationship. But to being beautiful or striving for the best is what your partner really can support and accept was a blessings. I may not say is easy because people have differen dreams in their life. It was great when supports is always there although we does not participate in it. Sharing is caring like all of us is saying. And the most touching part is the chorus of this songs......How wonderful to create a songs like this. Amazing~~~
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Confused

I'm confused. Yes the feelings is confusing. I felt is so happy that it can bring me to the top of a mountain. But when I dont feel happy it makes my mind so confused with many Q&A that came across my mind. 


Bad girl makes a bad decision maybe. Should I just don't bother too much and just be happy. Will it bring a bad consequences to others? Kinda confused and confused. The unhappy part was the most part that I shud get rid off. Telling myself there are many beautiful things out there and I knew it is.  


Oh god...Guide me and give me wisdom in handling everything. Feelings shouldnt take over all of me. I shud know how to handle it. And I shud be able to handle it. However its all over me. 


Trying to find answers and when u got the answers u are confused.Need someone to help me get through it. Laugh at myself for that. Hope my confused mind wont be too long.