Where have you been?

Where have you been??? I'm so not right without you. All my things doesn't seem going in the right path. Dear passion of study, i beg you to please come back to me. 

Today is my presentation, and the journal i got it a month ago. But i still cant finish reading it till last night. The way i'm handling my study is such a mess. I didnt even go to the presentation today coz i cant finish it, by the time i'm done the lecturer adi ask me present next week. All the study time i've in uni, this is the WORST. I hate myself. I never do this last last last minute work before. Now I don't even know why all this happen. 

Izit because i play too much? But I dun think is tat much. I just have so many work to do and its non stop till I cant hardly breathe sometime. So i take some of my working time for playing but then it become like this. I'm so not happy. Maybe I should lock myself up. I want all other things beside HOMEWORKS and READING JOURNALS!!!!!  

I walked around UKM under the hot sun and still feel down about myself. How can i did that to myself. Another semester more, how can i reach the target and graduated if my condition now is like this? I'm way too far from anything. I just don't deserve anything if I continue to be like this. Not anymore...dun ever think anymore...........

Life is so struggling that I cant accept it anymore. Never regret is just a saying and it wont works if I didnt work for it. Loser loser loser................Such a loser

Forbidden One

Dear Forbidden One, i’m sorry to meet you in this situation. But i’m thankful that you are here by my side. Accompanying me although I knew you do worried about it. Saying not worried is just a way to make your partner less worried. There are lots of things we need to sort out and find solutions.

Question marks just on top of our head because there are many things we cant answer. I can’t get him out of my life and that would be a lie if I said so. Having the relationship for 4 years is like so unpredictable for me. People around me say i can’t make it and there is some who said I should grow up and don’t be so childish in handling relationship. But, I also not sure why izit wrong to follow what your heart wanted so much. Maybe as a whole or to from other people point of view it should be as what they wanted.

This end not fully because of you. Its just me who don’t dare to think about the steps i’m going to take after I knew the problems. I’m such a super thinker, everything can comes into my mind, easily absorb and become my problems. That’s what makes me pondering and daydreaming most of the time. So, it makes me a person who thinks so much that i analyze the positive and the negative part of the situation. So, indirectly your appearance makes me take a step further. To go for things I wished, I dreamed and I hope to get. Your support does give credits.

Your ques:‘Would you be with me till the end?”. Well, I’d loved too but its all God’s plan. If God bless us with it my answer is a YES. My intention of getting a relationship is always to be forever and not fast food style. But, what we wanted is not always what we’ll get. But we can always have hope for it. And won’t regret how it ends.

I maybe tough like all who see me but i’m not in love. Because love connects with feelings and i’m an easily touch person. Anythings who deals with feelings makes me go crazy. My past is not good, but everyone have past. I have many flaws. I should know how to drive by now but I just haven’t get my license. Working on it and will get soonnnn… I loved to cook but i’m not good at it, i’m lazy when i was young when my mom wanted to teach me. I wish to learn and hope someone could teach me,or learn it together. A girl who doesn’t know how to cook is not marketable. Hahahaha~~~ Cooking is enjoying actually but not the way my mom teach me. She is too easy get angry. I wanted to have a simple life sometimes and sometimes an excitement to make my life colorful. It will be complete when charity is always in my list, no matter environmental issues or social problems. Helping others was the best part.

You won’t be a mistake in my life although its forbidden. That is so great of me that God put you in the people I knew. Your smile makes my day. Your worries makes me felt i wanna help you. Your talkative mouth makes my brain non-stop processing. Your tiredness makes me wanna cheer you up. Your poke makes me pain. And the whole of you makes you become fantabulous! If I could tell all of my worries with you and no lies on the coming days…If I could share all of my life with you….If I could be a part in your life and If I could be with you till forever with blessings of God, then it’s a perfect forbidden love.

NERVOUS MOOD

Its going to be weekend. I’m nervous and scared.

Nervous because I already make a decision to leave him. I felt sorry to him but love can’t be measure like math, if we give one doesn’t mean we’ll get back one and vice versa. Its really hard and that makes us human just can’t predict what is going to happen in our relationships. Sometime we tend to hold it so tight that both of us couldn’t breathe, sometimes we tend to loosen up till we left each other, sometimes no matter how hard we tried it just won’t work and sometimes there are cases which we didn’t do much but the relation is better. It is so unpredictable.

I’m scared too. I’m quite wondering how to face all which is coming upon the decision i made. It will hurts to you and to me but I’m sure is a good decision because continuing just makes the wound hurts more. Some people said when you gave all of your heart to someone then everything will be fine, but the reality tell us this is all lies. Lies that we wouldn’t listen because we wish that it won’t happen. To ensure it won’t happened we work hard on it to makes everything perfect, suitable for our partners and sacrifice for them. But does this meet the requirements that what our partner need? Everyone thinks differently. The worst is, the things you did isn’t what he/she wanted. You felt disappointed because your hard work won’t be appreciate by someone u loved. In this point, no one is wrong and that’s why we called it love. I don’t know how to said it out although my heart had a strong feeling telling me “ Yes u need to tell no matter what”. Question on my mind :

1. When is the best timing i should tell?
2. Where should i tell?
3. How i should tell?

Its easy to write up the questions but to answered it, looks harder than any exam cause its dealing with a partner that you loved before. It’s already past. I’ve tried to repair it and be honest about it, and yet I don’t feel it anymore. I’m sorry but I have to leave. I knew you sacrifice and give out whatever you could but its not going to work. We knew how different we are and yet we try to go through it. But, God may want us to have a different path in our life. After this, I won’t be the one who remind you about your things, won’t be there to fight or won’t be there to accompany you. BUT i always loved you as a friends that I won’t forget because God put us together and run this youth group together. I still love you as a friends who willing to help when u needed it. Maybe i’m too naïve but I knew you could continue to serve God like you always do. Prayed that God will pull you through it.

For myself, its not easy. I didn’t wanted things to goes this way but the fact is everything is going the opposite ways. So its better I face it rather than lied to myself, him, God and Mr. A. I need to go for it even its hard and needs a lot of courage.

CNY shopping 2011

Such a brilliant day I spend with my ex roomie~~~ So we went to Times Square for our CNY shopping. We go early in the morning till the shop close. We bought many thiings of course!

Dress,shorts,jeans, shirts,shoes and bags~~~ Wee.... And we shop till drop! Counting the money that flow out like water is so so scary. Mun Lee even use notes inside her I Phone and jote down the items we bought and the price for it. So by looking to the list, we hope tat it will remind us not to exceed certain amount of money. However....girls just cant resist! 

We try a few clothes and we bought a couple shirt for ourself again on year 2011! Will wear it again when we meet in UKM.

There are clothes that I loved it but and yet didnt buy it! Fuh~~~ Its reli hard when need to make decision for clothes. And at last we just forget about it! Easier....And better choices. So bye bye clothes~~~ Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

Dunno how to go through this year actually. So many things coming to me. Some is what I loved and some is what I worried and some is what I confused. But come one is CNY...So I'll just enjoy with my family. Long time we never have time with each other. I miss it just miss it so much. Just cant grab the past moments but I can do as much as I could for the coming days. Family is so unique because no matter how things goes we are related. Precious relationship that God gave us. Thanks God for reminding me again on this relationship that I had. Ba ba Ma Ma Wo Ai Ni~~~~